


50 Shades of Blue

by ChapstickLez



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-03-15 15:59:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3453266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChapstickLez/pseuds/ChapstickLez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem with feelings was having them. Or not. It was really not. Because she hadn't had them in so long, maybe she'd actually forgotten what they were. But instead, she just didn't feel anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> _DISCLAIMER: Rookie Blue belongs to Global TV, ABC, and all of those people._

She didn't feel anything.

That was the problem.

And frankly, she wasn't sure she wanted to.

She didn't feel anything with him at all and honestly couldn't remember the last time she had. She wasn't sure she liked him as more than a thing to have when she wanted something. Except she didn't _want_ either. Right now, if she'd been remotely suicidal, someone might have worried, but there wasn't anyone to worry. No one worried. No one cared like that.

She'd shot herself in the foot by trusting. She'd opened herself up and had her heart and guts ripped out, stomped on, and damn it all, she was _loyal_ so why the hell was she always the bad guy? The time she hadn't cheated and the time she had were the same. Both times the men shoved her away.

When he rolled back into her life, she'd been depressed over the way things ended with Chris, feeling lost and abandoned. Everything had hurt for so long, to have Chris throw her away like that was a betrayal. She thought she'd become the woman he wanted, a good girlfriend, a better person. But the moment she'd done what he wanted, the damned moment she let someone in like he said she should, he stabbed her in the heart and left her for dead.

And then there was Nick. Nick and his comic book hero looks, chiseled jaw and blue eyes, and the motorcycle and the bad-boy with a heart of gold, the soul you could trust, demeanor. He'd been an acceptable rebellion to her parents. The marriage, perhaps, might not have been quite as okay, but that hadn't happened. Nick had run. The bastard had run, leaving her with a complicated explanation for how she was in Vegas with no money all on her own.

She lied, told them she'd lost her ticket gambling. The jerk had taken hers as well, stranding her. When she called him on that, years and a drunken night of tequila later, he swore it was an accident. He apologized. She wasn't buying it, but the sex was good and she was okay with that. But he started to get clingy. All that bad boy shit was gone and she just had this nice guy.

She missed the bad boy, just a bit. The boy who took risks besides jumping off bridges. No, she wanted the guy who wanted dirty sex and uncomplicated physical connections, and had her back when shit happened. But that boy wasn't Nick anymore. He'd grown and changed and wanted more things than just having fun. And again she was the weird one, because women clearly weren't allowed to want a relationship based on sex. She started to wonder if it was her that was wrong, that she should have grown and changed more.

She wouldn't let him see her cry when they broke up. After all, she still didn't cry at funerals. What was the point? They were still dead and it didn't make her feel better, and frankly there was nothing wrong in being about making herself feel better. No one else was going to make that effort for her, apparently, so it was up to her to take charge of her own life. Her own happiness. Or what passed for it these days.

And then, one night when she'd been more honest with a mark than she'd been with anyone in years, she decided she _had_ changed. She wasn't the Gail she'd been. She was something different, someone different, and she wanted more from him than just sex. She called him and asked him to come to Andy's, thinking they could talk and maybe establish some sort of new ruling, a new place where they were more than just sex-friends.

But Nick didn't come when she called. Later on she found he'd not even _known_ she'd called until Jerry told him there were three calls from her right before she'd been kidnapped. He'd seen the calls and not thought about it as important. He hadn't even listened to them, not even when he knew she was kidnapped.

That was when she should have known they weren't right. But after the kidnapping, she was desperate to feel. Because she didn't. She was numb. She was empty. She felt nothing except guilt and pain, she wanted nothing except to be left alone. Traci knocked down that first wall, asking her to be a friend, telling her she wasn't guilty. But that only meant she could only trust Traci.

She swallowed that feeling whole. That lack of feeling, really. If people found out she was that dead inside, she'd be worse off than she was before when they just thought she was an ass-kissing sociopath. Which she was, but that was hardly the point.

Nick proved that was lack of trust was right when she was suspended. None of them stepped up for her. None of them admitted their mistakes. None of them even said a goddamned thank you for taking the hit for them. They hung their heads, they looked guilty, and only Traci told Gail she was sorry. So screw them all. And especially Chris for making her connect with people and Nick for disappearing in the first place.

And then that rat bastard did it again. He did it a-fucking-gain. He vanished. Third time was the charm, she really, really shouldn't haven taken him back. But she spent six months dead inside while he was gone, struggling to get back to where she was before the shooting, before Perik, that she thought maybe he would be safe. Maybe she could lean on him.

Stupid, stupid, Gail. So damn stupid. He was there for _Andy_. He'd been there for her before he left, he was there while they were gone, he was there for her now. And Gail saw it. She tried to ignore it and then Chloe rubbed her face in it and she shot it dead.

Of course she shouldn't have cheated on Nick, but she did it to make herself feel something. It didn't work. She didn't care so much how it might make Nick feel, she just wanted to feel something for a night, even the guilt would have been alright, but she didn't get that. She didn't feel guilty for cheating, she just felt confused and surprised and wondered who she was.

When he found out, he was done. No second (third? maybe fourth) chances. No more. Not for her, the girl who took him back twice, no matter how many times he fucked off. She cheated. He was done. Bastard. There was no going back after that. Never. Never again would she trust him, or anyone else, with her heart. They all sucked. They all used her, tried to shove her in a mold, and they all hated who she was when she didn't change.

And through it all, she felt _nothing_. She didn't feel happy or guilty or sad. It was like the day she saw her grandmother die in the hospital. Gail hadn't cried, which her father said meant she was strong. Everyone else cried. Steve cried. She didn't feel anything. She'd cried when Chris was hurt, though she couldn't remember why. After he discarded her, not girlfriend material; after Nick refused to give her a second chance, not girlfriend material. She had nothing. She felt nothing anymore. Maybe it was better that way.

She learned to fake it a long time ago. Fake it so therapists didn't see you were a sociopath. Fake it so people thought the smile was real. Those were lessons she'd put aside when Chris tried to get her to warm up. She relearned them after Perik, tried to put them away again, found them in the agony of nearly losing her career after the shooting, lost herself within them after Nick abandoned her when all she wanted was his shoulder.

He left her without a second chance, without the truth, without anything except goodbye.

So now she wanted nothing. She needed nothing. She cared for nothing.

She felt nothing.

Except maybe a little annoyance right now.

She sighed and spoke up. "Hey. Lunchbox. You're not allowed down there."

Because one more dead guy wasn't going to change her life at all. One more death wouldn't make her feel anything. One day with the nerd with a forensic box that looked like a lunchbox and silly boots and a bunch of smelly bones wasn't going to make a bit of difference to the disaster that she was. She didn't need to connect or feel.

And then the weirdest thing happened. Then she felt a thing. A something. A tug at her lips that made the shield of sarcasm and the defensive snark slide away just a bit. After that whole, long day, she had someone who took her at her normal 'worst' and was amused by it and she found herself wanting to warn her that she, Gail Peck, was a hot mess and not a friend and not a girlfriend. Loyal. Hah. What had that brought her? She had tried to chase off this new person, this weird person with her usual methods, but that's not what happened. Instead she kept engaging and being funny and smart and against all odds... Gail kind of liked her. But she needed to know.

"I'm like a cat, Holly."

And, mirablé, Holly smiled and listened and gave up something of herself.

Hours later, alone in her bed, Gail realized what she'd felt.

For the first time in a very long time, years and years, before the cheating and the vanishing and the shooting and the kidnapping and the job and Vegas and all the things that made her a Peck, she felt this thing ... The last time she'd felt this was from before all that. What she had was a feeling of happiness.

Maybe she could risk feeling something. Maybe she could risk friendship.


	2. Regret

She felt entirely regretful.

That was the problem.

It was the eyes that started her problem. They turned Holly right into babble mode because they were so damn blue. The eyes were bright blue, challenging, sharp, and a little sad. Not sad about a dead guy, just sad. Like life had been kicking her around. And then she looked at the face and the skin and the hair and she was a goner.

This wasn't the first time Holly had seen the gorgeous woman around. You didn't look like Officer Peck and not get noticed, after all. About her height, bottle blonde, pale skin, amazing lips- bad Holly. Bad. No lusting after straight girls again.

And it was terribly inappropriate to have a crush like that on a new friend, but Holly knew she did.

It was worse to have kissed the friend and torpedoed any chance of going further than being friends. Hell, Holly had been sure that she'd ruined a new friendship. But she didn't know what else to do after Gail had asked all those awkward questions. They were the same sort of stupid questions she'd asked when she was feeling out this whole idea of, perhaps, being a lesbian.

As much as Holly wanted to blame the champagne or the wedding mood, the fact was she'd been attracted to Gail from the very moment she saw her. That Gail had talked to her that day in the woods was, as far as she cared, the best thing ever. Finally she had a reason to chat with Gail and spent much of that afternoon prising information out of her. Flirting.

Yes, fine, she had been flirting with Gail all day in her lab. Over a dead body. Holly was not telling Lisa that. Ever.

And she flirted at the wedding and the batting cages. She didn't flirt the time she picked a burned and drug addled Gail from the hospital. That was the moment Holly realized she was in deep. She had been so scared and worried about Gail that night. Gail had looked so tired and sad and torn up about something other than the injury.

They'd stayed up half the night, Gail working off the dredges of the drugs in her system and feeling uncharacteristically chatty about herself. And Holly wanted to listen. So she heard all about Nick and the cheating and then his cheating and Andy being a friend only not, and how it had all come to a head that day.

It sounded horrible.

Eventually Gail wound down, exhaustion creeping into her bones, and she let Holly show her to the guest room. Their friendship changed at that point. After the burn, they talked a lot more about how they felt about things, though not each other. They spent some nights talking on the couch, watching bad movies, or texting each other about their days, or calling to talk as they each lay in their own bed, alone.

Holly had never had a girl friend before, not like that, and it seemed strange to have one now. Stranger to have it be someone she had a crush on. Stranger that Gail seemed to ignore the fact that Holly had kissed her once. Strangest of all when Gail got so angry at the Penny, seeing Holly on a stupid set up date.

If looks could kill, Holly's date would have been dead ten times over. The date went nowhere because the whole time, Holly was feeling guilty about even being on a date. But hadn't Gail gone out? Well. No. Actually. She hadn't. There had been the guy with the fake British accent (Wentworth? Winston? something…) but after that she started ditching the dates to hang out with Holly.

Really, Holly should have seen it coming.

And then, finally then, they had kissed.

Gail's lips had been everything Holly dreamed about.

Everything escalated so quickly after that, though. The next day Gail was cutting off her hair in Holly's bathroom and they were kissing and in Holly's bedroom moving way, way too fast. Holly still wasn't sure how she managed to not pull Gail's wet clothes off and keep touching her, but somehow she did. Somehow she found the wherewithal to hold back and to promise Gail they would, but later.

Impatient Gail had groaned at that, complaining that she never waited long with men, and Holly insisted that they would. She sometimes regretted that too, because it was almost two weeks later, a week of kissing and touching, and an increasing familiarity with the contents of her nightstand's top drawer, that they waited. Gail's division was understaffed and she was just exhausted.

But then, finally, they'd been in the same, not too tired, place at the same time, and it had been wonderful. A little awkward, to be expected from someone's first time with a woman, but Gail was more than enthused. There was less fumbling around than Holly had hoped, though they did try and take things a little slow. First times with new lovers was always a bit weird, and Holly always felt that you had to have a sense of humor and play if things were going to work out.

Certainly, Gail had humor, play, and compatibility. She paid attention, she very much wanted the same thing Holly did, and she had no problem at all with asking for and taking direction. It wasn't long before they found their own pace and comfort with sex, a good balance with a promise of things to come.

Basking in the afterglow, Holly learned that while Gail wasn't much of a cuddler or a chatter, she did like to keep touching people. The soothing caress of Gail's hand on her arm and shoulder eased her into sleep. When she woke up, Gail was still there, asleep with a smile on her face and a hand still touching Holly, as if just making sure she was there.

They only got a month of it. Really only three weeks if Holly counted the week where they weren't having sex but wanted to. Four passionate weeks. Four weeks with their hearts and hands on fire, craving each other, carving out time for each other, and that was something Holly would never regret. Four amazing weeks that burned into her heart. Gail and her dark sense of humor, her disdain for her world, and her snappy sarcasm that she wielded like a weapon.

Holly had never thought it would be aimed at her.

She didn't even get the chance to tell Gail, or her friends, about the job offer before it was all blown to hell.

It was, in part, Lisa's fault. "Look, I get it. You want something that's uncomplicated and simple."

That didn't describe Gail at all, but Holly didn't want to really get into it. "I'm having fun. Don't worry about it."

Lisa glanced over Holly's shoulder and shook her head. "Okay, well, have your fun, but, I mean, get out before she gets hurt."

"No one's gonna get hurt."

But then Lisa gave her a look. The look. The look that said someone had just shoved a foot in a mouth. "Well, we'll see."

Shit. Holly turned at saw the same face on Gail that she'd seen in the hospital with the burn. That sad, hurt, face. And then it closed off. "Excuse me." Gail was turning and heading to the door, grabbing her jacket on the fly and letting Holly know exactly what she felt of the situation, what she felt of Lisa, and just how angry the words had made her. And then Gail capped it off with a sneer. "Don't look so upset. We're just having fun, right?"

Holly followed her to the door, but not was clear Gail was not about to listen. She didn't listen to (or at least respond to) phone calls or texts either. Damn it. How could someone apologize if the other person wouldn't listen? And the longer it went on, the angrier Holly got. She _liked_ Gail. A lot. She was funny, sexy, smart, and really so much Holly's kind of person.

But she wasn't kidding that she was like a cat. That stupid emergency situation wasn't because she hated men but really it was just because she hated people. She didn't trust them. And now Holly was, apparently, one of those people who just kicked her. It wasn't true. It wasn't right at all. But you couldn't have a relationship if someone was going to abandon the tree. Whatever.

So instead of asking Gail what she thought about the job offer, what she thought about her new girlfriend leaving Toronto, Holly was left to think about it on her own.

The real problem wasn't how much she regretted introducing Gail to Lisa. The two were far too similar. The real problem was that she wanted two apparently diametrically opposed things. She wanted Gail and she wanted this job. In the echoing silence left by Gail's departure, Holly made the only reasonable, rational, choice. She took the job offer.

And _then_ Gail wanted to talk.

Damn it! What had she possibly done to piss off the universe this much!? Had she been Jack the Ripper in a past life? She didn't want to have to talk to Gail about this. She didn't want to try reopening that door knowing that she was leaving, so she lied.

"Gail, I'm seeing someone."

Gail's face fell. No. Her face crumbled. It was that face again she'd seen in the hospital when Gail was hopped up on painkillers. It was the face that gave Holly a glimpse of the amount of pain Gail lived with every single day. She wanted to take the words back. She wanted to rewind time all the way back to the Penny and follow Gail home and drag it out of her. Whatever it was that was killing her.

And Gail sucked it all back in, said okay, and chased after Oliver Shaw's daughter, screaming the name into the halls. Holly did not envy that child. When she realized that Gail had forgotten the thumb, she scowled. Crap. She was going to have to have someone deliver it…

Which was why Holly could not have explained why she ended up at Fifteen Division, thumb in bag in hand. It cut her just to look at Gail. She didn't know what to expect when she found Gail either, but a confession of how _Holly_ was the most wonderful person whom she'd ever met was not it. It was literally all she could do not to cry.

"Goodnight Gail," she said thickly and turned. If she stayed. If she looked back, she'd crumble. She couldn't. She was leaving. There was no point to break her heart over and over again.

Love was a funny thing.

One month of dating Gail. One month of no Gail. One month of regretting all of it and none of it at the same time. And then she gave in and waylaid Gail. She had to know if there was a chance or not. Her brain short circuited a little. That was the only explanation she had as to why she pulled Gail into an interrogation room and basically mauled her.

Except… Except Gail was there too. It was nothing like the first time they kissed and yet it was everything. It was more when Holly said she 'broke up' with her imaginary girlfriend and Gail was all in.

None of it worked out.

When they finally sat down to talk about 'things' and Holly found out Gail was going to try and adopt a kid, and Gail found out Holly was moving, it went badly. Really badly. There was shouting and arguments and finally, finally, silence.

This was it. It was real. It was raw. It was painful. They'd made a mess of it all. Sitting in Holly's living room, they looked at their hands, their feet, anything but each other, and were at sea.

"What are we now?" Gail's voice was soft and sad.

"Ex girlfriends," winced Holly, unable to find another way to call it.

Gail exhaled something that was probably a 'yeah.' Then she looked up. "I'm friends with my ex-boyfriends."

Holly laughed. "No you're not. You tolerate Chris and you terrorize Nick."

"It's good for Nick," muttered Gail.

But Holly understood the meaning. "I don't know if I can, Gail. Be friends."

She braced herself for an explosion that didn't come. Gail just nodded. "It cuts at you," she whispered.

That was the right description. "Would you come? If there wasn't Sophie?"

Taking a deep breath, Gail shook her head. "Move across the continent for a maybe?"

It was a fair comment. Holly nodded. "I want to try."

"I can't rip out my life to try that, Holly, I just … I can't." Gail, scarred and damaged and beaten down in love Gail, wouldn't risk that. And Holly couldn't blame her.

"So this is it," realized Holly with growing despair.

Gail nodded. "You're right. I just — God." She closed her eyes, looking almost haunted. She'd never seen Gail look so hollow before. Looking away, Holly struggled not to cry. "I'm sorry," breathed Gail, finally.

She hadn't expected Gail to say that first. "So am I." This was all as much her fault as Gail's and she knew it. "I'll miss you."

"Well, I'm awesome," said Gail, flippantly. She was trying so hard for her normal brand of sarcasm and humor. With those sad, empty, eyes, Gail picked up her coat. "Goodbye, Holly."

Not goodnight. Goodbye. Farewell. The end.

Alone in her apartment filled with boxes and half packed suitcases, Holly cried herself into a hazy stupor. She dragged herself to bed, trying to put a name to the anguish she felt. It wasn't something she was familiar with, but as the reality sunk in that she and Gail were through, she found its name.

Loss.

It was too late to fix it. It was over.


	3. Hope

She felt entirely hopeless.

That was the problem.

She was also possibly in love, which was also a problem, but she was going to be in unrequited love since the one person she'd thought she could trust with her heart had left her. Twice. They couldn't even talk anymore as it was just too hard. When she'd left Holly's house after that last talk, she had been near tears. It ripped at her heart and burned her soul (she did have one) because she really liked the woman. She maybe possibly loved her. Who the hell knew.

But now, a month later, she had no girlfriend, no family who wanted to talk to her thanks to all that crap, no adoption, and no roommates. She was perfectly alone in her apartment.

Maybe it was all for the best though. Maybe she just didn't need anyone anymore. They all shoved you aside for themselves. It didn't really make her feel better but it made her less angry when she stopped caring about them all, including Holly. So she stopped thinking about how easy it would be to find Holly's address and just get on a plane.

One thing Holly had taught her was that change could be good. That idea sat with her a long time as she looked over the bulletin boards. Oliver, her partner again, caught her at it one afternoon and spent their patrol asking her if she was going to do something silly. Except he was Oliver, so he spun out a long story about how some changes were good and some were sad and then admitted he was regretting stepping down as Sergeant.

Gail smiled a little and told him Sgt. Noelle was going to be fine, especially with them on the street. Oliver gave her a little side eye but nodded. When they went to dinner on their break, a few weeks later, though, she talked to him about things. She told him about how she was still torn up from everything, how she was tired of being angry and sad, and she just needed to change something.

All Oliver wanted to check was that she wasn't leaving him.

Except she knew this meant she would.

The idea came to her as soon as Oliver asked her to promise she'd stick around and talk to him. He'd been so right. Everything since Sophie had hurt more, except it wasn't really Sophie. It was Holly. Ever since Holly had given her that first glimpse of a life beyond just being alone and in pain, she'd started to see futures for herself.

Sure, that hadn't worked out, but it planted a seed. She held onto the thought, keeping it to herself, as she tried to smile her way through McNally and Swarek's wedding. But that had been hard. She remembered Frank and Noelle's wedding, that first time she'd felt Holly's so soft lips on her own. That moment she rethought everything, denied it all, and then realized there was a point to it. She was different.

The gay thing made sense. Women made sense. And this next step, this choice also made sense.

She didn't really have anyone to talk to about it, though. Dov and Chris were still hurt that she'd moved out, Traci was back with Steve and he was a Peck, and the Pecks were very anti-Gail. Testifying against your family name had a tendency to screw things up. She wasn't the first Peck who'd done that, and she wouldn't be the last.

What she was, was Peck-non-grata.

So she did what she always did when frustrated and lacking a safe outlet, and messed with her hair. She chopped her hair off, again, and dyed it dark brown. Instead of drinking, this time she started going to the gym more often. Chloe remarked on it, seeing her in the mornings with disturbing regularity. They tried to talk, or at least Chloe did, and Gail shoved her earbuds in a little tighter and played her music a little louder.

In the end, she didn't tell anyone until the paperwork hit Noelle's desk. She didn't even tell Nick, who had made the whole situation extra awkward when she'd asked him for help without explaining why. He'd decided that she meant she wanted another chance with him and tried to kiss her. This time, though, her punch laid him out flat on his back and she took his motorcycle. Instead of just a small bruise under his eye, Nick sported a nearly shut shiner for a week and was stuck on the desk.

Noelle noticed that too and asked her what happened. All Gail flippantly said was that he didn't understand what 'lesbian' meant. And Nick let it go. Perhaps he was scared. Perhaps he'd gotten the clue. She still hadn't returned the motorcycle, and he could just suck that up.

"Peck, in my office after Parade," announced Noelle as she walked into the room a month later.

Beside her, Chloe hissed asking what she'd done. "None of your business, Price."

"You did something," insisted Chloe.

Gail narrowed her eyes. "Shut. Up."

Parade was normal. Boring. But Noelle's office was a different matter.

"What the hell is this, Gail?"

Gail closed the door and shoved her hands in her pockets. "A transfer request," she said dismissively.

"Gail," growled Noelle.

That was the mom-voice. Gail rocked on her heels. "I can do it."

"Really? Since when?"

"When what?"

"When did you learn to ride, for starters."

"A long time ago."

Noelle pinched the bridge of her nose. "Is _that_ why you punched Nick?"

"No. Yes. Maybe." Gail sighed. "No. And yes, Nick taught me how to ride the first time we dated." She looked above Noelle's head and sighed.

The woman grumbled. "You're leaving."

Gail nodded. But that couldn't really be what was bugging Noelle so much. "It's not… It's not you or anything," she sighed in a moment of awareness. Bingo. Noelle looked relieved. "I just need a change."

"Oliver said you had a rough year," sighed Noelle, sympathetically. "Are you okay?"

She absolutely was not okay at all, not in any sense of the word. Nothing was okay. Nothing had been okay for a long time. Rough year? Try rough forever. Maybe her childhood wasn't as bad as Chris, who had to be a grown up way too fast. And it wasn't as bad as Nick's, with his dead parents. But sometimes she really felt like being alone was just what was going to be.

"Yeah," she lied to Noelle. "I just need to be somewhere where I'm not a Peck."

Noelle winced. There were so few places in Toronto policing where that could even be a possibility. "You're sure?" When Gail nodded, Noelle nodded back. "Okay. I'll help you, but … This is going to make some noise, Gail."

"Tell me something I don't know," Gail grimaced back.

It made a lot of noise when the paperwork went through. She got the date and asked Noelle not to make a thing about the change. Of course Noelle would have to announce it, but at Gail's pleading request, she waited till the last day.

Before that, though, she had a lot of little things to do. Suddenly her assignments took her over to the new building. A lot. She didn't get tapped to work with the Ds anymore, and that was noticed. Traci outright asked if Gail was avoiding her. At the Penny one night, Dov remarked that they never saw her and Gail flippantly told him she was too cool for them.

She did, however, pay Nick for his motorcycle.

Before Holly, she'd never have thought about it. But the nagging Holly voice in the back of her head said her name and she changed her mind. Gail had it appraised when she took it to the shop and presented Nick with a check the next day. Briefly he argued he didn't want to sell, but in the end he took the money and handed over the papers. After all, Nick barely rode it anymore anyways.

Gail rode it daily. She loved it. Riding the motorcycle felt good. It also pissed off her mother, which was just normal now.

The last family dinner she went to, she told her parents about the internal affairs inquest, and was asked to leave the house.

Yeah. There was no real telling her family about the transfer. Elaine only knew about the bike because Gail accidentally pulled up beside her mother at a stoplight. She'd been paying more attention to the attractive woman in the convertible on the other side, who had been smiling at her. Not that she was interested in the woman, but it was nice to be flirted with.

Then she heard her name and turned the other way. Elaine was staring at her in abject shock. Gail blinked and then shrugged. What could she do? With a head tilt to her mother, Gail just drove off when the light changed.

A few weeks later, she told them about IA. After that, Elaine didn't call. Neither did Bill. Steve showed up at her apartment to talk, though, which was novel. They rarely talked about their feelings or their lives or plans. This time, however, she told Steve what she was doing. He didn't really comment. He did, but only to ask if she was sure. Then he wanted to help. Because Pecks are loyal.

Between Steve and Noelle, she got the job. It wasn't a shock. She knew they were looking for someone who could ride a motorcycle (check), had police skills (check), looked good (check), and had good interpersonal skills (...). That last one was a stretch, but she had hoped her track record would speak for itself, and it did.

It gave her something to look forward to. That was better than home had been. She'd yet to decorate her apartment, or even really unpack. Her mattress was still on the floor. Flat packed boxes of furniture were stacked in the corner, unbuilt. It had been hard to brace herself with the drive to take car of her home.

But now, with a destination in site, she turned down a night at the Penny with Traci, saying she needed to put together furniture. After being teased about being worse than Andy, Gail found herself hosting a hen party, consisting of Andy and Chloe and Traci, to build her furniture.

Three beers each later, Gail had a couch, a bed, and a bookshelf. Chloe organized the books while Andy put together the TV table, leaving Traci and Gail to sort out the bedroom. Apparently Steve had told Traci not to bother Gail. He'd said his baby sister had a 'thing' going on that was good, but took a lot of time and effort.

It surprised Gail how hard it was to not tell Traci. Especially when Traci asked if Gail was seeing someone. That ended with the four of them spread across the couch, the kitchen table chairs (the table itself still incomplete) and the easy chair, talking about if Gail should get back out into the dating world. Gail ... Gail didn't want to. She was pretty sure she was gay now, seeing as her dreams had been constantly haunted by a beautiful brunette with glasses.

The dreams were a big problem, not that she was telling them about dreams that were predominantly about Holly. She sure as hell wasn't telling them that she still had fantasies about Holly and the way she touched... No.

No, Gail just said she didn't want to date anyone. And of all people, Chloe seemed to understand it best. Sometimes, Chloe explained, there's a person and you fall for them hard and it changes everything. Chloe and Dov still were barely speaking. Andy was engaged. Traci was seeing Steve again.

Maybe that was why she and Chloe started actually talking. They understood each other, the pain of being in love and joy having it. Gail felt it was worse for Chloe, who had to see Dov every day. She'd been there with Nick and Chris. But Chloe thought it was worse for Gail because she'd had so little time with Holly and then she left.

But many nights were spent hanging out with Chloe and talking about the pressure of being legacies in a way different from Andy. They talked about how boys sucked. They talked about how Gail was very much a lesbian. They people watched on patrol, inventing games as to if they'd shag, marry, or kill various people. Even Oliver started to worry about the friendship when they developed their own slang.

So she told Chloe. They were sitting at Gail's table, finally put together, eating Chinese takeout and trying to decide what movie to watch on yet another single girls night. And Gail just said it. In four weeks she was transferring to Traffic Services. Chloe looked gutted. She was hurt Gail hadn't told her before. She was angry that Gail was leaving her.

Wasn't that a trip? When had Gail ever thought about leaving people? People always left her. She found herself apologizing to Chloe about pulling the rug out from, under her. She apologized about not telling anyone. And she explained about the Pecks and how she had to change.

Gail had forgotten than Chloe had moved to their division for a similar reason. Lovelorn, being judged for who she was and wasn't. But where Chloe had moved to Fifteen where her godfather worked. She moved to friends. Gail was going out fully on her own for a change. The tiny little Chloe understood that and hugged she demanded Gail take her for a ride on the motorcycle and declared that she could be gay for Gail and that motorcycle.

When her last day hit, Steve came and sat in on parade.

"Assignments are on the board," breath Noelle, looking right at Gail. "But one last thing. Today is Officer Peck's last day with us in Fifteen." The room got very loud and Gail felt everyone looking at her. "Tomorrow she starts in Traffic Enforcement Group as a motorcycle patrol trainee." The noise stopped. "Do us proud, Peck."

Gail nodded and stayed at the table while person after person came by to ask if this was for real, and how serious and why didn't she tell them.

"Won't traffic be boring?" Andy was quite stunned.

"I'm just trying to picture you on a motorcycle," admitted Dov. "I mean, you ride? That's hot."

Smacking her fist into his chest, Gail scowled. "Yes, I can ride a motorcycle."

Weirdly, Nick came to her defense. "She stole mine."

"Bought," corrected Gail, amused.

Nick rolled his eyes. "Threatening me while shoving a check into my hand?"

"You cashed the check."

After a momentary pause, Nick grimaced. "Shut up."

Andy shook her head. "I'm with Dov. You, that haircut, a motorcycle? Hotness."

Gail narrowed her eyes at Andy. "Don't push your luck, McNally. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm after your scrawny ass."

"Man, the dykes on bikes jokes." Chris winced. "I'm sorry."

They were not something Gail looked forward to, but she was prepared. "Not a big deal." Chris didn't look so sure, but nodded. "I meant, I am a smoking hot lesbian." If she laughed at it first, it would be better.

"Total stereotype," teased Dov. "Man, you're really breaking up the band."

"Sucks you have to leave Fifteen," sighed Chloe. "I mean, I felt like we were getting not be friends."

"No, that's just in your mind, Price," Gail sassed, and she knew Chloe knew it. They were friends, she and Chloe, which was why she'd warned her friend.

And yes, she was a little sad to be leaving her friends. Friends. What a weird word for those people. They were, indeed, her friends. She leaned on them when she was sad, she helped them. And yet she was still apart from them all.

A very annoyed Oliver cut the line. "Peck, you're with me." He called her Peck, not Gail. She didn't say anything as she followed him to the squad. "You're driving."

Taking the keys, she kitted up and slid into the seat. "I'll get lunch," she said carefully.

"No. No. You're going to tell me what's going on in that noggin of yours, Peck. And we, you and I, we're going to talk like we talk. Because we talk."

His words hit harder than he probably meant. Gail had never told him about Holly's babble, how she'd fumbled over the fact that they talked. That was their thing. "Okay," she told Oliver. Because he was Oliver.

And she did tell him. More than she told Steve. She told him about Holly and the fight, which she hadn't before. Then she told him about the moment where they got back together and broke up for good, because it was just going to be too, too hard.

Oliver, being Oliver, understood. And he supported the choice, even though he complained he'd been left out of it. And he made Gail buy lunch.

At the end of shift, Dov insisted she show them how well she could ride the motorcycle by driving him to the Penny. She knew what was coming. After all, Chloe kept asking what she'd be doing that night while she 'helped' Gail clean out her locker. The party was small. Just her rookie class, Nick, Chloe, and a few people they worked with. Someone had dragged Callaghan out from whatever rock he'd been under. At least he'd shaved the scruff.

When she went to get the next round of drinks, he tagged along to pay and started chatting her up. "I'm not into you, Homicide," she warned him.

"That's not how I remember it."

They'd never slept together. Thank god. They hadn't kissed either. But there had been some palpable tension and she'd thought about it, back when Andy had turfed him. "Give up, I don't do the boys anymore. At all."

Luke looked shocked. "Wait, that wasn't a joke?"

Circling her face with a finger, Gail drawled, "See this face? Lesbian."

He put down cash for the drinks. "Did not see that coming, Traffic."

Gail blinked and looked up at Luke. "Traffic?"

Nodding, Luke pointed at himself. "Homicide." Then at Gail. "Traffic."

"Dumb ass," Gail snapped, pointing at him and taking the drinks.

But Luke followed her back to the table. "So tell me the truth. Did Collins ruin you on men?"

"No, McNally did that," grumbled Gail, winning a confused and vaguely horrified look from Luke. "Look, Homicide. Would _you_ date men?" When he hesitated, she smirked. Victory. "Exactly my point." And Luke did not ask again.

The night dragged on and Gail felt less and less a part of their crowd as it did. She'd always felt a little separate but now, this choice sent her further away. She was just Gail Peck, rookie motorcycle cop, stray Peck. A pale fail.

The next day would be the start of her new life. Her new career. She was a motorcycle cop. A rookie again, but with a new lease on life and a direction she was starting to feel a little better about herself. She was feeling better about her future. So what if she was alone. She could do this just fine without anyone. She had no interest in dating again, anyway.

It was weird, but for the first time since Holly left, she was starting to feel like the future didn't suck quite so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Gail Peck: Motorcycle Cop is the least realistic aspect of the story. Just roll with it and smile at the mental image.


	4. Lust

She was totally feeling lust.

And that was a really, _really_ , big problem.

That was why, after six months of not talking or seeing her at all, she had her hands in Gail's hair and was backing her into her apartment. It wasn't like Gail was objecting the manhandling. Gail had started it, the kissing part at least. But this was a colossally terrible idea. They both had to know it, but so far all Gail had done to slow it down was push back so she could close and lock her door.

It was such a relief to have the moment. Holly knew she was crazy for just showing up after seeing Gail by accident. She had never meant to run into Gail at all. In fact, Holly had every intention of avoiding the hell out of Gail, to the point that she called Fifteen and pretended she was someone who just happened to have Gail's card (a truth), and wondered if she was in, or when she might be.

That had given her a huge shock. Gail wasn't posted at Fifteen anymore. The guy on the phone (who called himself Duncan, and Holly was pretty sure Gail had called him Gerald at some point) offered to help, but Holly said no and hung up. Gail wasn't at Fifteen. She was nth generation Peck at Fifteen. They'd talked about that before. Gail expected to complete her career at Fifteen or the Big Building maybe. But she was still a cop, just not at Fifteen.

Tossing around the idea that maybe Gail was at the Big Building, Holly tried to check for Gail's name while she was there for the last case, the actual reason she was in town. The only Peck was a Superintendent named Elaine. Aka Mom Peck. Holly had no plans to talk to her. It was probably best this way. She didn't need to see Gail and make herself ache with longing for the blonde who never left her dreams.

The second shock happened when Lisa got pulled over for speeding.

They were late for meeting Rachel for lunch, which was Lisa's fault to begin with. And then they heard a siren behind them. Holly had laughed when Lisa realized that the cop was signaling at her, making a hand gesture to pull over.

The motorcycle parked behind them and as the cop sauntered up, Holly felt her heart drop. She knew that walk. That saunter, that swagger, was so unique. There was a way that she knew the woman walked and it was so like this. Maybe it was just a relative, because her cop didn't ride a motorcycle on patrol. Her beautiful blue-eyed ex girlfriend had a patrol car with a partner. But she knew in her heart the reality was that she knew that officer.

Lisa had been dismissive of Holly's curse and handed over her license with a blasé apology. The cop's sunglasses came off and the words died on her lips when Lisa realized exactly who the officer taking her license was. Gail Peck. On a motorcycle. Holly felt her face turn pink, heating up in a split second. Gail on a motorcycle was one of the sexiest mental images she'd ever had. Yeah. That was lust.

Leaning in, Gail looked momentarily surprised. Then she asked Lisa if she'd been drinking, and all the normal things a cop asked to see why you were speeding. Perhaps the question of if Lisa was taking her friend to the airport for a flight, and was running late, wasn't standard. And then she'd handed Lisa a ticket for speeding and told her to drive more safely. She didn't even say hello to Holly, more than a slight nod, and then she walked back to the bike.

As Lisa pulled back onto the road, Holly stared at Gail in the wing mirror, watching her ex get on the bike.

Lisa hissed, "Did you know?"

"No," Holly whispered. "I mean, I knew she wasn't at Fifteen…"

Lisa smacked Holly's arm, hard. "I told you not to look her up, you're just going to feel like crap again."

Rubbing her arm, Holly grimaced. "I know, I just… I didn't want to talk to her. I was just trying to figure out where she was so I didn't bump into her at court or anything."

They both paused as Gail drove past them, seemingly unfazed by the little adventure. "She's fucking hot on a bike, Holly," sighed Lisa.

"No kidding."

Another smack. "No. Bad Holly. You broke up, okay? You moved to California, she said no, stop it. Okay? I'm not putting up with you and a broken heart _again_ because you tried to hook up with her for a one night stand while you're in town."

Which was why Holly had not told Lisa where she was going that afternoon. It hadn't taken much to figure out where Gail worked or what day she had off. Figuring out where she lived was surprisingly easy too. She just asked Nick.

He'd hemmed and hawed but finally divulged Gail's new address (not too far from her friends) and wished her luck.

Luck was, indeed, on her side when Gail opened the door and looked actually startled to see Holly. They shared a moment of awkward hellos in the doorway and then some how-are-yous and then Holly started to babble about how she'd actually been avoiding Gail because she was only here until Friday and it was stupid to just rip open that old wound and then…

Well 'then' was now and there were hands on Holly's face pulling her in to shut her up and Holly had no objections at all when that kiss turned into the one where she was the one manhandling Gail. Her heart was pounding as Gail landed on the couch, on her, and didn't stop. A million times, yes. Holly stopped caring that it was a phenomenally terrible idea.

Pillows fell off the couch as they too frantically moved against each other. Gail's shirt rode up, exposing the deliciously soft skin. They somehow were working their thighs into the right place, pressing up and spurring each other forward. And Gail's lips were on her neck and chin, as if Gail couldn't get enough of the taste of Holly's skin. Holly had forgotten how good this felt, how good Gail felt.

Sadly sanity struck Gail. "God, Holly wait," she managed, her hand already up Holly's shirt, fingertips on the seam of her bra. "This is a…" Gail trailed off looking down at Holly. Her skin was red all the way down to her neck and it seemed to take monumental effort to peal herself off Holly. Gail scooted to the other end of her couch. "We shouldn't do this."

Holly squirmed up to sitting and caught her breath. "Yeah, I know."

"I really want to," Gail sighed, mournfully.

That didn't help at all. "I don't even know if you're seeing anyone," whinged Holly.

"I'm not." Gail's reply was fast, almost overrunning Holly's words. "No... I'm not seeing anyone." Her voice was quiet as she asked, "Are you?"

Holly shook her head. "No. Not since..." Not since Gail. Except for the whole fake girlfriend thing, which had been a stupid idea. There had been a couple dates in San Francisco, but her heart wasn't in it. Six months, her heart was still here. Her heart was still with Gail.

Gail sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "This is more awkward than asking Nick to borrow his bike," she muttered.

"Yeah. The bike... When did that happen?"

"Four... Five months ago. They cut me loose a couple weeks ago." That meant shortly after Holly left, Gail had left Fifteen and struck out on her own. Alone.

"You looked ..." The word Holly was looking for was 'amazing' or 'sexy.' Neither word was appropriate just then. Neither was 'hot.' "I didn't expect that."

Blushing a little, Gail scratched the back of her neck. "I needed a change."

"Do you... Do you like it?"

"I do. A lot. I miss Fifteen but don't tell them."

Holly laughed softly. Some things would never change. "I won't." She smiled at Gail fondly. It was so hard not to reach over...

"Stop looking at me like that," groaned Gail, getting up. "God, it's not fair you showing up out of the blue looking all... Holly."

She hadn't meant to look all anything. Holly glanced at her clothes. Jeans, shirt, sneakers. It was the casual clothes she'd had at hand when she dug into her suitcase. "Sorry. I don't even know why I'm here," she admitted.

Nearly sneering, Gail said, "Yes you do. Same reason I was all over you a second ago." She walked to her kitchen.

"Doesn't make it any smarter," sighed Holly.

"No," allowed Gail. "Can I get you a drink?"

"How very domestic." Holly leaned over the couch and watched Gail open the fridge.

Gail laughed. "I'm all grown up now. I do my own laundry and everything."

"Just water." And Gail moved around her kitchen, a plain and simple affair. "This is nice."

"It's okay. I miss the guys sometimes, but..."

"Privacy must be nice, if you have a date."

With a snort, Gail held out a glass of water. "Stop fishing. There hasn't been anyone since you. Not even a blind date."

Holly blinked as she took the water. "How's your mother taking that?"

"Probably better than the whole motorcycle cop thing."

She was so dismissive, Holly almost missed the key word. "Probably?"

"I'm practically disowned," shrugged Gail. "Which happens when you testify against your family."

Holly had heard about the edges of that from Rodney and others at the lab. "Honey-"

"God no, don't do that," winced Gail. No. She flinched. "It's fine, you know. Everyone always abandons me anyway." She gestured at Holly with her own glass.

Then it was Holly's turn to flinch. "I didn't-"

"You did. Holly, you did. And I'm not saying it's not my fault too, but you moved to California." Gail managed to sound so flat that it tore at Holly heart.

"I'm sorry," whispered Holly.

"You knew you had this job offer before we broke up," Gail added, her tone unchanging.

"Okay, that's not fair," snapped Holly. "I found out two days before. What was I supposed to say? The day before you meet Lisa and Rachel, oh hey, I've got a job offer in San Francisco that people would kill for!" Gail exhaled loudly, derisively, but said nothing. More quietly, Holly went on, "I was waiting for the right time. I wanted to tell you."

Gail put down her glass and sat on the arm of the couch. "And I was a brat and a child. I know." She scrubbed her face with both hands. "But you still left."

"I did," nodded Holly. "I wanted you to come, but you said no."

"We weren't even dating! You made that damn clear with your stupid new girlfriend."

"Oh for- I made her up!" The moment Holly said it, Gail startled, her eyes widening. "Shut up, I made her up because if I hadn't, I'd have said yes to you at the lab, even though I was leaving, and we'd ..."

Peevish, Gail noted, "We'd have been just as hurt. God, that was stupid, Holly. Don't lie to me ever again, please."

Holly grasped the moment of hope that came with 'ever again.' She swallowed. "If we'd still been dating, if we'd never broken up, if there hadn't been Sophie, would you have come?"

Sulking a little, Gail pointed out, "I'm a Peck. We're Toronto cops."

Holly frowned. "You don't have to be."

Gail laughed sadly. "This is apparently as much Peck rebellion as I can stomach, Holly. I can't leave. I tried."

Another surprise. "You tried?"

"After Sophie, I nearly got on a plane."

There was that too. Holly hesitated. "What happened?"

Gail sighed. "It just didn't work. Can we leave it at that?"

Holly understood that and nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks." Gail hunched her shoulders a little.

Whatever had happened, it hung on her still. Holly felt as pained as if it were her. It felt like it was her. "I wish you could have told me. Called me."

"I nearly bought a ticket a hundred times," Gail said, thickly.

While Gail had shoved away when Holly tried before, she couldn't help it an second time. Holly stood up and wrapped her arms around Gail. There was a hiccup and Gail finally squeezed Holly close. "So did I," sniffled Holly.

So many times she'd wanted to just throw it all away and come back. In so many ways, she wanted to be right here, holding Gail and comforting her. Or on the couch. But also the small things. The hard things. The painful things.

"Did we get all this wrong, Holly?"

"I think we did," admitted Holly sadly, stroking Gail's hair.

With a deep, shaky, breath, Gail let go and studied Holly's face. "I miss you. Every day."

Holly wiped her nose on her sleeve. "I keep trying to forget you."

Gail laughed and let go, picking up a box of Kleenex. "That's going splendidly." She blew her nose after holding out the box for Holly. "Now what? How long are you here for?"

"Friday. Unless you mean _here_ here. And ... I have to call a cab."

"I can drive you wherever you need to be. If you don't mind riding a motorcycle."

Holly blushed. "I haven't ridden one in years. They let you keep the bike at home?"

With a sly smile, Gail explained. "I took Nick's as an apology for him kissing me."

The flush of desire born from the idea of riding on a motorcycle pressed up to Gail faded into a burn of anger. "He what?!"

"Down, girl," laughed Gail. "I needed a refresher course on the cycle before I applied for the gig. Dumb Nick thought I was hitting on him." Gail mimed a right cross. "Broke his nose."

"I shouldn't laugh." But Holly did laugh. "He just let you keep it?"

"I didn't exactly ask."

That was Gail, through and through. Holly laughed, blowing her nose again. "I should go."

Reaching over, Gail wiped some wetness off Holly's cheek. Then she gnawed on her lower lip. "Is this how you felt that night in the shower? Half of you wanting to kiss and the other half screaming that this is a terrible idea?" Her warm hand cupped Holly's cheek.

"Because I'm leaving in three days?" She couldn't help it. Holly leaned into the hand. It felt so nice to have Gail touching her again.

Gail nodded. "Because you're leaving. Because it's going to rip open my heart again, splatter my guts on the wall, and leave me ruined for anyone else?"

The words stung and ripped at Holly's heart. But Gail's hand didn't move. "That makes two of us."

With a long sigh, Gail's other hand came up to cradle Holly's face and draw her close. "I don't want to say goodbye yet, Holly," she whispered.

Lips touched. This time, all the second thoughts took a back seat to the fact that they desperately wanted to be there, with each other. It was a terrible, terrible, idea. But they gave in to passion again, holding close the sparks that flickered between them. Gail led them to her bedroom, an under-decorated affair, and they fell quickly into the physical.

After, they lay together, quiet and calm, touching each other gently and without direction. Gail's pale fingers roamed over Holly's stomach, mapping out curves as if she was trying to memorize them. When Holly tried to suggest they go, Gail's lips were on her again, demanding and delighting, driving home the reminder that they were so, so compatible.

They did talk, though. Eventually.

Gail told her about her job. She really liked the new one. Arresting losers all the time, doing parades and shit where she met new people (some famous, including Angelina Jolie filming a movie) and got to be a face of policing. Holly teased her that it was a great face, but she was thrilled to see the delight in Gail's eyes when she talked about work. That was new. Gail never talked about her job before, and never with such unbridled joy. Of course, she did really miss Fifteen, but there was a rumor that some of the traffic cops would be stationed at various Divisions, and she was on the list for a couple as the junior officer.

Holly talked about her work as well. The research and experiments that her lab did in San Francisco. Getting to go to Body Farms, which Gail allowed was gross and cool, had been a highlight. There was rumor of getting a new body farm somewhere and she'd get to help design it. She'd learned a lot about new ways people died, like jumping off bridges and such. In short, Holly did love her job too. But she'd always loved her job. This opportunity had been too good to pass up.

And they talked about contracts and how long either expected to do their jobs or stay where they were. Without saying it directly, they talked about how they might get together and live in the same city. Because besides the sex, they knew they wanted that too. They just had to sort it out.

They didn't think it was going to work, though. They faced the same problem they'd had before. Holly was going back to San Francisco and Gail was staying here. They lay in Gail's bed, quiet for a while, contemplating that. Their future together was in doubt. It was unlikely and they knew it. Gail voiced it first.

"We can't have both, can we?"

Holly shook her head. "Can we have now?"

Gail chewed her lip. Gently, Holly ran her hand along Gail's bare arm. The once blonde sighed and whispered Holly's name. "Holly, what are we doing?"

"We're having now," she replied and scooted closer to kiss Gail again. Now. They could have a now and enjoy a now, knowing it was the end of what was and had no future to what would be. It was just now.

At length, Holly's phone rang.

Lisa was going to come by the hotel to pick her up for dinner. Quickly, Holly explained she was out, but would call as soon as she got back to the hotel. Thus put off for a moment, Holly disentangled herself from Gail. "I have to go," she whispered.

"I'll drive you," replied Gail, just as quietly. They kissed again and Gail gestured to the bathroom.

The ride back to her hotel was just as stimulating as Holly feared it might be. She wouldn't have traded a single second of it for anything, though. Breathing in the smell of Gail the whole ride soothed her for the rest of her trip. She and Gail didn't see each other again while she was in Toronto. That would have been too hard, too painful.

Gail said she wanted to see Holly, but they needed to be realistic. Neither was going to change their lives for a wild chance. They both had jobs they loved. They cared about each other, but they just weren't in the same place at the same time.

But as she was going through security, her phone beeped.

_I was wrong._

Instinctively, Holly looked around for that blonde- no, that red blonde head. No Gail. She tapped a reply.

_Are you at the airport?_

_I wish. I want you._

Holly flushed. It wasn't just the sex talking, she hoped. She tapped in four words.

_I want you too._

Her phone rang. "Holly, I don't care that you're a million miles away-"

"Three thousand."

"Shut up. I don't care. I ... I was a brat, I was selfish. I was immature. And I miss you. I want a second chance. Please."

Holly remembered Gail telling her that Nick never gave her a second chance, even though she gave him one. She remembered how Chris abandoned Gail as soon as she started being the woman he wanted. And Holly... Well that was complicated.

"Okay," she whispered into the phone.

"Okay?"

"I miss you. It's stupid but you just crawled into my life and threw it upside down and I have never once stopped thinking about you. Even when I saw other people, all I wanted was to be with you again. So okay. We can figure this out."

Gail's laugh was quavery. "Okay," she breathed.

The security guard scowled at her. "I have to go. They might arrest me if I keep talking."

"Just tell them you're on the phone with a Peck."

Holly laughed. "I love you. I'll call you when I'm through security."

"No, I'm supposed to be on patrol. Call me when you land." Then, quietly, Gail added, "You love me?"

"Yeah, I do," whispered Holly, dropping her passport. "Goddamn it..."

"Wow. Really?" Gail was laughing.

"Shut up. I dropped my passport." They both laughed.

"God, you're such a dork. I love you, Holly. Fly safe."

"I will." As she hung up and started to apologize, the woman behind her started clapping. Then more people clapped. "Uh... Thank you?"

"Is your young man going to show up with flowers?" The woman behind her looked delighted.

"My—" Holly stopped. "No. We haven't worked that out yet."

The security guard coughed and Holly hustled through. She stared at her phone as she waited for boarding and considered buying wifi for the trip. But. What would she say that hadn't already been said? What could she possibly change?

She wanted to be with Gail. She knew that. Could Gail move to San Francisco? Could she move back to Toronto? What would she even do? Did she wanted to work in the lab again? It wouldn't be that hard to get her job back.

Finally Holly turned her phone off and closed her eyes, drifting off to a sleep where she thought about a pale, feisty angel who stole her breath and heart.

When she woke, the plane was landing and her phone had a text message.

_Stupid plan. I'm going to apply to the Chips and SFPD and you apply to things here and we go from there._

Holly smiled.

_Not stupid. Would you really move here?_

She didn't expect a reply right away, but she got one just as she pulled into her parking lot at home.

_For you I'd stop being a Peck._

Holly exhaled loudly and closed her eyes. What had Gail said? Nick and Chris tried to change her. Her mother tried to shape her. But Holly was the person who accepted her. She tapped a reply carefully.

_I love you because of who you are._

It was the only safe, logical, answer. Gail's was a little more frivolous, but Holly got the point.

_Keep sweet talking me._

They texted back and forth for a while, just like old times before they were dating. They teased each other around logistics, and as Holly eventually fell asleep she was smiling.

For the first time in a very long time she was feeling good about what was next.


	5. Fear

She was afraid.

And it was a _huge_ problem.

When Gail had gotten to work after the parade, her boss told her about their new plan. Some of them would be posted out at divisions. And Gail, being still so relatively new from Fifteen, was the perfect person to send there. So after seven months away, she was going home.

Her future in Toronto policing was looking brighter than ever. That was probably good since all her feelers out to SFPD and CHP were coming up a little short. Hiring freezes. Luckily her boss didn't catch wind of it, or that would have been really awkward.

When she told Holly that night, her girlfriend had been supportive and delighted. Of course Gail would do a great job. There was nothing to worry about. But the nerves made sense. It had been a while, after all. But Holly insisted it would be okay and a success. And she loved Gail.

That bolstered Gail's heart more than her boss did. He came with her to Fifteen that first day, making sure Noelle and Jarvis knew where Gail ranked, who she reported to (not Jarvis) and what her job was. Noelle was happy. She was happy. Oliver, who saw her and pointed and said "Hey!" was happy.

The patrol officers saw her, with her boss, at parade, looking all suave and cool. When Noelle explained that they'd be hosting a traffic officer, and that it was Gail, the assembled officers cheered. Gail couldn't explain how much that was a relief. She was wanted, even after leaving them. They were happy to see her, excited even, and welcomed her back into their fold with open arms.

She quickly fell into the new routine with them. If there was a function to go to, she would be back at the main station, but otherwise she was based out of Fifteen. That let her ride a patrol, her normal patrol now, after sitting in parade with people she knew and kinda liked, and then ended her day hanging out with them. There was the Penny again, softball (thank you, Oliver), and she was having a life again.

Everyone was amused to see her on the motorcycle all the time. She'd been fending off well meaning people with a stick for a while, like Jen Luck who really did not know how to take no for an answer. At first, it had just been that she wasn't interested. But now it was that she was seeing Holly, with the intent of making _something_ happen.

The only person Gail could really talk to about it turned out to be Chloe. How awful that was. It was Chloe who, when she learned about the two getting back together, smacked Gail in the back of the head. She did it again when Gail explained about the hook up that had happened three days prior.

When Chloe had asked how serious Gail was, Gail admitted she'd give up everything. Chloe narrowed her eyes and asked about the Peck name. And Gail was frank and honest. She would give up being a Peck if it got her Holly. After she finished crying, Chloe helped figure out what to text Holly at the airport because it was clear she was in love and Chloe was a stupid Disney Princess.

And on nights when Holly was at work and busy, and thus couldn't talk or text, Chloe would come over and hang out. More than once Chloe had been there when Holly called. According to Chloe, Gail was different when she was talking to Holly. That was why her friend (ew) wanted to help them, looking for jobs for Gail in California. They spent a lot of time looking at maps, figuring out that a job with the LAPD was not going to be near enough to San Francisco, and by the way, there weren't even trains between the two cities. What the hell was up with that?

So far, Gail had nothing but bad luck when it came to the job hunt. No one was hiring at the moment. Not for what she wanted to do. The CHP would have been perfect in her opinion, given her current job. The California police had a mess of problems, though. Getting a job out there was a slim chance.

There were other options, of course. Private investigators, security firms... She could go back to school and get a degree in something. All of it seemed like such a long shot. Was she doomed to have a failed relationship because she'd gotten herself trapped in a job? How much was she going to have to give up?

She also had a lot of fear when she started talking to her parents again. Her father started it, showing up at her apartment with cheesecake and an apology for not listening the first time. He listened when she told him why she'd spoken up to IA, about why she changed career paths, and about Holly. Because he asked.

Her father, the smooth talker, said he was wrong. He was sorry. And would Gail come over for dinner with her mother too?

Chloe and Nick told her to do it. Because losing your parents wasn't always something you got back. Chris and Dov said she didn't have to. It was okay to not want to reconnect with people who had stomped over you. Holly though, Holly said maybe everyone got a option for a second chance. They did, after all.

Stupid Holly. She was why Gail ended up at an awkward dinner with her parents and brother, no dates, and they all actually talked. Gail couldn't remember ever talking with her parents since … Perik really. But they did all talk about how they felt. About who you were supposed to be more loyal to. About what you were supposed to do.

And then her mother dropped the bomb.

She was _proud_ of Gail for doing what was right. Elaine hadn't had all the details, she'd reacted without thinking, and Gail had stood up and done the right thing.

Praise from her parents.

What a strange concept.

A few weeks later, she had another surprise.

It had been a shitty day. While she loved riding the motorcycle, late autumn sleet was a bitch and she'd had a minor wipe out after a mid-speed chase for the detectives. Her leg had a massive bruise but she was otherwise just fine. All she wanted was to get home, soak, maybe talk to Holly a little, and sleep. After the bath, though, Gail's body was too heavy to contemplate talking. She managed to text Holly that she was going to sleep before falling soundly out.

The next thing Gail was aware of, someone was calling her name. Not just 'someone' but the voice she craved to hear all the time. Awesome. She was so tired she was hallucinating Holly's voice. Then the bed dipped, her name was said again, and a hand touched her back. Honey. The voice said honey.

Gail struggled to force her eyes open, crawling out of her pit of exhaustion, looking up at the travel rumpled face of her girlfriend. "Holl?"

"Happy birthday," smiled Holly, as if unsure the surprise would be taken well.

Birthday? Gail blinked a few times and the dates clicked. Her birthday was in a couple days. "I forgot," she admitted, rolling over.

Holly laughed the soft, easy laugh that Gail loved. "Long day?"

"Cold, sore..." Gail pulled the sheet away from her leg to show off the bruise. She purpled easily anyway, but this one was pretty impressive. "Skidding out catching a street racer."

Screwing up her face, Holly asked, "In this weather? Were they insane?"

Gail smiled. "Hopefully they won't plead insanity." She held a hand out and pulled Holly closer to kiss her. "Hi."

The kiss was soft and warm and washed away the shitty day. "Hi," replied Holly, her voice nearly a purr.

"What time is it?"

"Almost eleven. My plane was late." They kissed again, Holly easing onto Gail until she hissed. Okay. Maybe she was a little sore. "Poor baby," Holly murmured, stroking Gail's face.

After a shower, Holly curled up in bed near Gail. For years, Gail hated cuddling. She hated men wrapping themselves around her, holding her, trapping her. She hated it more after Perik.

Holly knew about Perik from Gail's perspective. True, she'd been high on pain killers at the time, but she had explained why she was having a minor freak out and really didn't want to go to sleep. They'd stayed up watching chick flicks, something Gail was never really able to do with her other friends. It was in the middle of some movie where the couple was cuddling that Gail derisively snarked that she hated sleeping like that.

When they'd dated the first time, Holly had remembered that and never tried to sleep all over Gail. Not that she didn't, from time to time, end up that way anyway, but never on purpose. Now, as then, Gail realized she really didn't mind having Holly up against her.

Reaching over, Gail tugged at Holly's shirt. "C'mere," she slurred, exhaustion kicking in.

"You sure?"

"Mm. You smell nice." She smiled as Holly's arm fit across her waist. "Missed you."

She was asleep before she heard a reply, the warmth and comfort of the other woman sending her off into a nearly dreamless sleep. Waking up a few hours later, Holly was still wrapped around her, protectively just like Nick used to do, but it was so soothing. It wasn't restrictive. It was like a nice blanket on a cold day. Gail could have gone back to sleep but her phone rang. "Nooooooooo," whimpered Holly.

Gail smiled. "It's mine." She thumbed the phone on and listened to the garage tell her the bike was going to be out of service for the day, while they waited for a part. It ran fine, but you didn't ride those bikes damaged. Ever. They were washed and cleaned every day. Sighing, Gail called in to her sergeant and related the news. The grumpy man asked if she was okay, and told her to take a day off or do desk work at Fifteen and be a face.

Looking at Holly, Gail said she'd see how she felt and let him know. Then she hung up and brushed the hair away from Holly's face. Her beautiful, smart, sexy girlfriend frowned, "You have to go in?"

"I don't _have_ to," murmured Gail. Her body ached in an unfriendly way. Maybe that skid was worse than she thought, but the x-Ray was negative. No breaks.

"You should," mused Holly.

Gail eyed the brunette. "What?"

"I'm not going to stay here all day and coddle you." Holly yawned. "I have a meeting at 10."

"So... You're not really here for my birthday?"

Holly smiled softly and pushed herself up to kiss Gail's cheek. "I'm _here_ for your birthday. I'm in Toronto for work." She hesitated. "How much do you want to know?"

That was a deep question. "Are you fired?"

"No."

"Details please. I can make coffee."

"God, that's the best deal I've had in days."

As Gail made the coffee, Holly explained that her lab, which was contracted out to SFPD and LAPD and all those PDs in California, was branching out. The new body farm they wanted to make? In Canada. There had been a disgusting amount of laws to work around, but they had made headway there faster than Alaska, and the temperature variants were important.

Gail would never mention that she'd tuned out a little there. Holly was geeking out and it was adorable, but she was just too tired to really focus on that.

But she got the crux of the story. There was a good chance that Holly would be able to come back to Toronto. Back to her. Them. Whatever.

"So... You're going to be trying to cook up a way for your company to pay for you to move back here?"

Holly nodded and sipped her coffee. "Is that opportunistic?"

"Do I get to see you naked more often?"

Her girlfriend laughed. "Yes. I'd have to fly back to San Francisco a few times a year, but I'd be based out of Toronto."

Gail pretended to think about it. "It's opportunistic but I can't argue with it."

Smiling, Holly leaned on the counter. "Good. So I think if you go to work, you'll have something to do while I'm out going over numbers and management crap and then... I can pick you up?"

How wonderful that sounded. Her girlfriend could pick her up at work. Gail grinned. "Go to the Penny?"

"I was thinking dinner."

"I think both," smiled Gail, leaning in and kissing Holly. "How solid is this? I mean, can I hoot and cheer and dance that you're coming back to Canada and we don't have to live off phone sex anymore?"

Holly spluttered and Gail laughed. "You're terrible, Gail," she chastised.

"That's not an answer."

Holly laughed more and gripped the front of Gail's shirt. "About 80%. We haven't signed the papers yet, but Canada's tired of looking bad in the whole forensics department."

Gail sighed. "I hate waiting." She was pulled into a coffee flavored kiss from Holly. "I like that. We need to do more of that."

"We will. Come with me to dinner?"

Gail arched her eyebrows. "Why does that sound like it's not a given that we're spending all your free time having sex and eating?"

Laughing, Holly kissed her nose. "Because I have a working dinner. I need to woo these locals that they totally need a nearby body farm."

"Oh you just want me for the Peck name," teased Gail. Holly looked stricken the moment Gail said it. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?"

"I forgot. Your family …"

Had she forgotten to tell Holly? "My parents apologized a couple weeks ago."

"I know that," muttered Holly. "But the other Pecks?"

Gail smirked. "I am a god among Pecks for being the most loyal. It's very weird." Most, if not all, of her relatives were treating her like royalty. She could do no wrong. "How long do we have before you have to go in?"

When you didn't get a lot of time with your girlfriend, it was reasonable to try to take as much advantage as possible. Right? Holly shook her head though, much to Gail's disappointment. "After dinner."

"Hell, now I'm going for sure," joked Gail.

When she limped into work, Holly dropped her off in her rental car and Gail made sure to get a lingering kiss through the window.

"That better be Holly." Chloe's not quite annoying voice broke through Gail's smirk as Holly drove off.

"Yep," grinned Gail.

"She here for your birthday?"

"Yeeee- hey, how did you know it was my birthday?" She narrowed her eyes at Chloe.

"I'm your best friend." The red-haired woman beamed at Gail. "Go on, deny it, but who helped you woo your lady lover back, hmmm?"

Gail rolled her eyes. "I hate you."

She didn't. She actually liked Chloe. One of the best things about being back at Fifteen was getting to hang out with her at work sometimes. Gail would probably never tell Chloe that she'd been influential, though. It would just feed the tiny thing's ego.

As Chloe sang that Gail loved her, it solidified the thought that she did not need any encouragement. Chloe also noticed that Gail was limping and demanded to see the bruise. It was epic enough that all the women in the changing room wanted to see and Traci took a photo.

But it still was a boring day at a desk, being available for 'face' duties, like interviews and being Officer Friendly. Also, as Gail had quickly learned, desk duty for a traffic cop meant going to court. A lot. Most of the time just showing up was all that was needed, but it was a serious downer. Since her day 'off' was unplanned, she ended up going into two different court houses to fill in for cases, neither of which were actually going up to a trial. People just got scared off when a cop showed up, and would change their plea to guilty.

When Holly came by at five, it made the day much better. Gail snagged her a visitor pass so she could come and say hello to everyone. Chloe, of course, hugged her, squealing with delight and bouncing. Gail mouthed an apology to Holly, but she could see her girlfriend really didn't mind.

"Are you coming to the Penny tonight?"

"Maybe after," mused Holly, glancing at Gail. "Maybe ... Friday?"

Gail would rather never, but that wasn't nice. "Friday," she nodded at Holly and Chloe.

Chloe studied Gail for a moment and then grinned. "Friday." She took advantage of the moment to hug Gail too, which was just what Chloe did.

As they got into Holly's car, the brunette teased, "You have lots of friends now, Gail."

"Yeah, I do," she agreed. "And a smoking hot girlfriend."

They went back to Gail's to change before the dinner, Holly revealing a suit that Gail thought was more sexy than serious. Holly laughed and thought Gail just had a dirty mind. True, but she also hadn't spent more than two weeks with her girlfriend in half a year. Time off for the rookie motorcycle cop was hard to come by, and Holly didn't make it up north as often as they'd like. Cases had driven Holly back up twice, though, for five days and for nine, and both times she'd stayed with Gail.

Frankly Gail thought they were lucky to have made it to work at all those days.

And really she didn't want to go out that night, but the payoff would be pretty epic if it happened. Holly back in Toronto? Even if it was just most of the time, she'd take it. She'd take all the hassle that their relationship was being, just so she could have a day like this. A day where she got picked up and dropped off. A day that started and ended in Holly's arms.

For the first time in forever, things were going right.


	6. Faith

She had faith in the universe.

And she refused to believe it was going to be a problem.

Against all the odds, things had worked out. She settled her last box in the spare bedroom at Gail's- _their_ apartment. Since Gail had never really done much with it, it was so easy to make the place feel like them right away. It was less swanky than Holly's old townhouse, but there was something homey about the walk up that she just liked.

If Gail had adopted Sophie, it would have been a nice place to grow up.

Holly was pretty sure they weren't going to have children, though. Yes, they had talked about it in their many phone calls for the eight months they'd worked their long distance relationship from the somewhat crazy edges of feelings that refused to let go into something workable. Sustainable.

Move-in-able.

That's what Gail called it. She was given to being a little silly now and then.

They'd made it through most of a year without each other, miserable and sad. Then they'd given up on pretense and surrendered to a moment that led to a second chance, orchestrated in part by Chloe.

Chloe was in the kitchen with Gail, the two going through a routine that felt like they had their own language.

Oliver sighed. "Can you believe that?" He jerked his thumb at the two. "About four, five months after you left, Chloe and Dov are a mess. Next thing I know, those two are thick as thieves."

"It's good she has friends," smiled Holly.

"She is not my friend," snapped Gail, not really angrily. "You don't have to have empanadas."

Holly rolled her eyes at Gail. "She's a child."

But Oliver smirked and elbowed Holly. "You like her."

"Yeah, I do." She did. She really liked Gail and their place. "She's pretty awesome."

And while Gail would deny it loudly, she had good friends who cared about her. Holly claimed that her best friends were like family, Gail's really were family. They all had each other's backs, they took care of each other. All of them, except Chloe, had pulled Holly aside to make sure she wasn't going to crush Gail again. Even kind, gentle, Oliver had sat her down to ask what the whole story was.

Weirdly it was easy to talk to Oliver about the story. To him, she could explain that she'd made a choice in the silence of her fight with Gail from the Penny. He claimed to know nothing of that story, only that Gail begged him not to ask about it. Then she told him more. She told him about the fake girlfriend, the fear of being in love with Gail while being thousands of miles away.

And at that, Oliver moved around the table at the coffee shop and hugged her. Wonderful Oliver knew that she needed a shoulder when she told him about how hard it was to know that she was still in love and have to avoid Fifteen and Gail when she came back. Until. Until they finally saw each other. Until Gail pulled Lisa over for speeding. Until Holly couldn't deny that she had to see Gail.

Oliver believed her. Oliver stopped everyone else, except Steve, from harassing Holly about just showing up. And now that Holly was moving in, Oliver and his wife (Celery) were making sure the apartment was a home. While Gail and Chloe made food, Celery and Traci were hanging Holly's pictures. It was homey.

After dinner, Chloe stuck around to help clean up and Holly took advantage of the moment to ask why the tiny woman hadn't harassed her about Gail.

With wide eyes, Chloe looked at her and said the most terrifying thing ever. "Because she loves you."

That someone else, someone Holly barely knew, knew that Gail was in love with her, was daunting. Suddenly their relationship was so much more than just two people in love. Now it was two people who were under the pressure of their friends to find success with each other.

Perhaps sensing that Chloe frowned. "You're freaking out."

"I didn't know she told anyone," temporized Holly.

"Oh, she didn't." Chloe smiled. "I see her all the time. We're kind of besties now, even if she won't admit it."

Holly arched her eyebrows. "Besties?"

And Chloe nodded. "Sure. When she was freaking out over sleeping with you after she saw you on the highway, who do you think she called?" Holly was startled. Gail had called _anyone_? "And don't tell me you think she came up with all those texts on her own."

They'd delved right into embarrassing. "I hope some of those were private," muttered Holly, blushing.

Chloe laughed. "I knew it! I knew she was sexting you!"

Weirdly, though, knowing Gail wasn't trying to go at it alone, that she'd asked her friends for help in trying to 'win back' Holly, made her feel a little better. People who knew they were in love and were happy for it.

That night, after everyone left, Gail kicked on the dishwasher and fell onto the couch, her feet in Holly's lap. "God. When will people just leave us alone?"

Holly smiled and pressed her thumbs into Gail's arch, making her girlfriend groan. "After they get used to the novelty of us as an us," she suspected.

"Fuck them, I want to get used to us being us, in the same house and time zone."

That was a novel concept, Holly had to agree, and she smiled. "You're off tomorrow?"

"Rest of the week," muttered Gail, closing her eyes. Her hair was blonde again, though long enough to tie back in a pony tail. While Holly did think Gail was stunning with short hair, she was gorgeous with it at any length. "Why are you staring at me?"

"You may not be aware of this, but I find you very attractive."

Gail opened one eye, harrumphed, and closed it again. "Tell me something I don't know."

Swatting Gail's foot, Holly leaned back into the couch and relaxed. "I bet you don't have any idea how nice it is to not be traveling every other week," she noted. That had been a part of her job she'd loved and hated the last half year. In preparation for Canada's first body farm, she'd had to go to every single one in the States, as well as the ones over seas. It was exciting and delightful and educational and fucking draining.

Her girlfriend made a noise. "No, I don't," she allowed. "I bet you don't know how nice a shower is after six hours on a bike in the snow."

"It's summer, Gail," giggled Holly. "Do you know how incredibly hot you are in your uniform? I mean, you were sexy as hell in the normal one, but the boots for the motorcycle? Wow..."

"Not the first time I've heard that," yawned Gail, trying to sound dismissive and failing.

Holly patted Gail's foot and then got up. "I'm thirsty."

"Make yourself at home," quipped Gail, eyes still closed.

By the time Holly got back with water, she was not surprised to see Gail asleep. Yeah. The cop had pulled a shift every day for a month, including two parades and a mayoral 'thing' she'd been vague about. She was bushed and Holly didn't blame her. The week off would probably be spent sleeping.

Holly drank her water and then gently shook Gail awake. The cop stumbled her way through a shower and into bed, barely opening her eyes. When Holly joined her in bed, Gail surprisingly wrapped around her, pulling Holly close.

"Hey," smiled Holly.

"You smell good," mumbled Gail.

With a soft laugh, Holly closed her eyes. "So that's why I get cuddled?"

"Nah, cause you're you." Gail said no more, drifting off into sleep again.

The thought kept Holly up for a while. She remembered Gail telling her about Perik and Nick and why she hated not having room to wriggle about at night. She remembered Chris calling Gail the feistiest sleeper he'd ever know (which Holly knew was well before Gail was kidnapped). Holly even knew that Nick was surprised to hear Gail had spent the night at Holly's back the first time they'd dated. And when Holly tried to reconcile that with the reddish blonde haired woman, pressed up against her and holding her comfortingly, Holly couldn't.

Maybe she was lucky and got to see a different Gail. Maybe she was seeing who Gail really was. Or maybe she was different for Gail, and Gail for her, making it easier to find solace in things that weren't just sex. Protection. Comfort. Love. All those things everyone, every book and magazine tells you that you're supposed to crave, were so incredibly hard to find. You were supposed to find the right person, your one, and everything would magically be perfect.

Oh what a crock of shit. Nothing was perfect. Nothing was easy. Nothing came without a cost.

What really mattered most to Holly was that she was there now.

Holly smiled down at Gail. She got to be here.


End file.
